


I can't handle change

by 71TeenIdles



Category: Daredevil (TV), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Break Downs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, My Beta is Grammarly, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Has a Bad Day, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Sorry guys I'm working on they got the devil in 'em i swear, Team Red, Team Red (Marvel) - Freeform, im so bad at taging, no beta we die like men, peter parker has a break down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21986383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/71TeenIdles/pseuds/71TeenIdles
Summary: Every vigilante, Peter notices, has a bad habit.Wade is prone to self-mutilation, Jessica is an alcoholic, and matt represses his feelings and walks into fights to get hurt.(Peter does the same)Peter’s stress smokes. Only when he’s stressed, (and never around anyone)Or when he’s depressed.((Peter has a 2 week long break-down, matt and Wade are there to help and make sure he doesn't spiral anymore than he already is.))
Relationships: Matt Murdock & Peter Parker, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Peter Parker & Wade Wilson
Comments: 10
Kudos: 233





	I can't handle change

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song, 'i can't handle change' by Roar, which I was listening to religiously while writing this.  
> (and 'how to never stop being sad') 
> 
> Trigger warnings include  
> -self-deprecating thoughts.  
> -brief suicidal ideation.  
> -self-harm.
> 
> please enjoy and stay safe.

Every vigilante, Peter notices, has a bad habit. 

Wade is prone to self-mutilation, Jessica is an alcoholic, and matt represses his feelings and walks into fights to get hurt. 

(Peter does the same) 

Peter’s stress smokes. Only when he’s stressed, (and never around anyone) 

Or when he’s depressed.

Peter has sworn up and down he doesn’t have depression, that it’s just anxiety. 

‘I'm just tired.’ ‘im just thinking about ben.’ ‘i saw a sad video.’

And he still says it, even when the shakes come back. The tremors that make sure he can't hold a pencil. Or when he’s been asleep for almost a whole day and sleeps even more.

Today is one of those days, finals season is nearing as so is ben's death anniversary. 

And every night seems to be nothing, everything passes by and he can't feel a thing. 

Aunt may's in LA for a seminar on damaged teens. 

And peter parkers in bed.

* * *

No one would care. That’s Peters’s thought process. 

He lays in bed and smokes and bites his fist when his sobs start up again, violent and sending him upwards in his bed.

Peter doesn’t have an ash-tray (that would mean aunt may find it.) so he sometimes puts them out on his wrists. 

He knows it stupid but at least then he can feel something (that he’s alive.). And the burns are gone in the morning. 

No one will ever come looking for you. (That’s the voice who wants him to go drown himself in the Hudson.)

Everything slowly builds up until he can't handle it anymore. 

About a week of self-loathing and smoking his lungs out. 

(his body heals any damage it actually does about 15 minutes after finishing one.) 

He runs out. 

And everything finally explodes. He screams and gags in the worst panic attack he’s ever had.

Everything slows down and he swears he’s dying when he starts dry sobbing and gasping for air.

The weight of what exactly he’s been doing hits him when it's over,

he’s destroying his life. He’s making himself miserable repressing everything he’s feeling because ‘that’s the peter trademark! _he’s always happy_ ’ 

_ always optimistic _

‘Where's all that now?’ 

If he’s destroying his life. Then why does he miss it when it’s gone? 

  
  


He stays in bed for another week, with the same thoughts. 

‘No one cares.’ ‘no one will ever come looking for you.’

That voice is wrong….

* * *

Wade comes looking, Spider-man hasn’t been patrolling in weeks and he hasn’t seen Peter even longer, eventually both White and Yellow are screaming at him to find him. 

The first step. Find Matt.

Wade accomplishes this, with a few casualties.

“Wade what the fuck are you doing in my apartment!?!?!” 

Okay so maybe he’s been shot. 

“We need to find spidey!.”

Matt looked skeptical.

“He hasn’t been patrolling at all! He’s been kidnapped!”

Yup, there goes the skin healing.

He’s gonna have to fish that out later. 

Matt sighs. 

“He’s probably fine.”

“I saw that the police had to stop 2 robberies in Queens! Itsy-Bitsy would _never_!” 

Wade swears up and down until he’s annoyed matt into submission. 

“Fine, let’s just check his apartment-”

“Break in.”

“Wade no.” 

Wade knocks. Rapps his finger on the slightly cracked door.

Nothing. 

‘HEY PETERRRRR!”

Nothing.

Wade looks stumped.

“Hey is he in there?”

“Yes, Wade he is.”

Wade cocks his head to the side.

“Then why isn't he answering?”

“PETERRRRRRRRRRRR!”

“Hey, red is he asleep?”

Matt starts to look concerned. Furrowing his eyebrows he says.

“No, no he isn't.” 

They stand in silence for a while, then they hear a stiff gasp for breath and some choking coming from inside. 

Matt stands uncomfortably still.

“Peter its Matt, can you let us in?”

He wants to hear in, make sure he’s okay, but it feels wrong.

I mean so is breaking into his apartment but this is important. 

The place is well kept. But Matt goes straight to his room, tense as ever and almost ready to break down the door. 

“Matt, come one lets no-” 

As the door opens they freeze. 

The room is cold and messy and the worst part, at least to matt, is that it smells so strongly of cigarette smoke. 

Peter just lays in his bed, his phone next to him playing a tune out loud that they can all hear. 

**_‘I can’t help but repeat myself-’_ **

“Peter, itsy-bitsy?” 

Wade says softly, he then lets out a small gasp when he looks at his left forearm

**_‘I know it's not your fault.’_ **

“Matt.” he whispers, “come feel this.”

Matt can tell he’s injured, of course, he can. 

So he runs his fingers over the circular burns on his arm.

Peter tucks it close to him, his voice cracks as he tries to explain.

‘I, I don’t have an ashtray.” he whispers, ever so softly that if Wade and Matt weren’t listening so carefully they wouldn’t have heard it at all. 

“Kid, have you been smoking?”

Matt musters in the softest voice he can, of course, he knows he has. But he needs to hear it from him. That this isn't some fever dream his depressed brain is making up at 3 in the morning. 

“Come on Petey you know that’s really bad for you, you could get cancer!”

Wades trying to hold back tears, struggling to get over the debilitating sadness the room is full of. 

**_‘Still, lately, I begin to shake-’_ **

“O-okay.”

Matt stands up, abruptly and angrily. Curls his hands into fists and breathes heavily. 

“I’m sorry.” Peter whimpers as tears start to follow the same path they’ve gone before. 

Matt comes back to the bed, slowly lifting up Peter so he’s sitting up. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for! This,” he gestures to Peter, “you’ve done nothing wrong.” he whispers harshly. 

Wade sits next to him, slinging his arm over Peters’s shoulder. 

“You wanna tell us what’s been going on?”

Wade can feel him tensing up and he feels so powerless when the kid presses a hand harshly to his mouth to stiffen the harsh sobs that rack his body

That’s when it hits wade, this is a kid, a 16-year-old kid who's been having a break-down over weeks. 

A kid whose nicotine addiction is probably suffocating him.

He hears Matt stifle a growl and figures he’s come to this realization too. 

“I just.” Peters’s voice breaks and the force of his sob has him choking on a mixture of spit and saliva.

“I can’t be happy all the time, I’m so _sorry_ ”

Matt's not good with feelings. 

“What do you mean? 

Peter laces his fingers together and presses tight. 

“I always look like I’m happy, I’m-” 

His voice breaks off. 

“I'M NOT!” 

He almost screams, everything hurts and he just wants to sleep. 

****

**_‘For no reason at all.’_ **

Matt and Wade stay still. Whatever's going on with him, he needs to let it out. 

I always look so happy, and, and in the moment I am. But I just, shove all my other stuff down and this hasn’t happened in years!”

Matt just hugs Peter, not caring that his heartbeat is erratic and driving Matt crazy, or that the material of his jacket is so itchy. 

“You don’t have to be happy all the time.”

Wade leans in and uses his broad frame to wrap around the both of them.

“If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn’t be human, you’d be a game show host.” 

He says softly. That gets a small chuckle out of all of them.

**_‘For no reason at all...’_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Did I end it with a heathers quote?  
> of course!


End file.
